Full Housewife

I've been meaning to write this post for probably about three weeks at this point, but I've been busy livin' ma lyf, eating burgers and watching fantastic movies such as Frozen (GO SEE IT), so I just haven't gotten around to yanking this up ye olde priority list, jah feel? Interestingly, the time when I am actually finally writing this is when I'm sitting in a sports bar pub thing with PStrattz and his friends watching NFL. What is the point of NFL. Nothing happens. Literally 40 seconds of game, 20 minutes of replays and analysis. The analysis is unnecessary. He ran. They didn't run as fast. Congrats on carrying your ball real good, buddy. AFL is where it's at.

Anywho, I've been here in Leeds for a couple of weeks now and since we decided we didn't particularly want to spend all that time chillin in Patrick's uni room I got me an apartment for a while. 

Right after I wrote that last bit my phone died and I had to resign myself to an evening of staring at frozen dreadlocks and smashing through Candy Crush on Patrick's phone because he's only on like level 35 and my 300+ skillz aint got time fo' dat. ANYWAY. The point of this entire blog is that I have unexpectedly awakened a side of myself that straight up revels in domesticity. Given the state of my room at home and my penchant for sleeping through a large portion of the daylight hours, this is something that took me by surprise, and will no doubt provide my mother with a small moment of relief from her daily lamenting of "my daughter has a floordrobe I have failed as a parent." In all seriousness though, she has genuinely expressed on multiple occasions her feelings of guilt over the fact that I can't sew (which as evidenced by that time I made a Sharkodile is clearly untrue). Hello mother. Fret not. A glimmer of hope doth twinkle at the end of this dark tunnel of adolescence.

The flat was all light and open and nice and the TV swivelled so you could watch it in bed, and with Patrick at uni all day I had many hours to fill, so for the first week my days generally unfolded as follows:

  • Wake up at like 9.30 because the Strattz is incapable of getting ready quietly, and also jetlag; I think I may be the only person for whom jetlag is actually an improvement on their existing sleep pattern.
  • Make tea (and coffee if he aint buggered off just yet), fix me a cinnamon raisin bagel with an even centimetre of cream cheese on top because any less is an insult to the good city of Bosto
  • Make the bed. This is a thing I have done literally probably fewer than four times at home on account of my bed is up super high and also I do not care. But here I do. Here it is my calling.
  • Eat said glorious bagel, read blogs, go through my youtube subscriptions, find something that shouldn't exist on TV such as Peter Andre's 60 Minute Makeover
  • Upon finishing said browsing and morsels the smug sense of purpose doth descend. Housewife Mode: Engage.
  • Dishwasher on. Laundry in. Wipe down the counters like a proper adult. Laundry done? Get some socks. Find the pairs. Shit yeah now you're livin'. While we're at it why not reorganise the entire bedroom? Dishwasher done; what a steamy gift from above. Stack that shit right up in its rightful place. Ballin'. Ballin' so hard.
  • Sit back and admire my kingdom. Also probably still Peter Andre's 60 Minute Makeover because that shit is on 24/7 and I have so many questions regarding this I don't even know where to begin.
  • Eat some stuff
  • Watch some stuff
  • Tumblr tumblr tumblr look at that snow I wish it was snowing oh it's Venice I like Venice let's reblog lol it's Santa's reindeer but with lizards who has that many lizards look at its tiny hat etc
  • Stratmaster5000 home in an hour. Smug sense of purpose rears its terrifyingly premature head once more.
  • Trackies, jumper and socks in the dryer so they'll be warm when he gets home (I know this trick on account of I used to demand this be done to my uniform every morning before I would put it on in primary school. Also pretty sure I made my mum put my uniform on for me too. Sometimes I admire younger me.)
  • Go to store. Buy dinner supplies and maybe beer? Definitely beer. 20 points to Slytherin aka Maddi
  • Home. Beers in fridge. Put on the ol' razzle dazzle otherwise known as pants (if it's a store day this has presumably already been done) to create illusion of day well spent. Also the Fresh Prince is always on by this point. Peter gotta rest sometime.
  • The Iceman Cometh. Aka a cold and most likely heavily rained on Patrick is home to marvel at the nirvana that this chemical imbalance in my brain and I have created. Success.
  • Toasty garments and cold beer are produced, Maddi wins the house cup, and then we do normal life stuff such as cook dinner and watch Made In Chelsea and Pattycakes does real work while I look for more Santa lizards on tumblr.

My flawless homemaking skills have since been described as "needlessly smug", "suck a dick Maddi, I don't need to comment on your kitchen qualifications" and "pretty good doe." Satisfying results all round.

Obviously after I got used to the timezone and the novelty somewhat wore off this routine slipped more into the realm of 'Patrick wakes up, gets breakfast from downstairs, goes to uni and leaves a tasty tasty chocolate croissant for Maddi who continues to sleep for many hours to come.' What can I say guyz. Miracles happen but my terrible life skillz are a force to be reckoned with. However I will say that once I was awake I did usually still clean everything and put on the dishwasher and laundry. Just later in the day. And while watching countless documentaries about the Third Reich. Different hemisphere, same choice of entertainment.

Having been here for almost a month now I feel as though I've had enough time to properly form an opinion of Leeds, and I very much enjoy it. Which is lucky because odds are I'm going to end up living here for some portion of the next few years so if I hated it that would be a bit of a downer, ay guvnuh. Srzli tho I think we're going into town tomorrow so perhaps I'll take some cheeky pix and update you a bit more on what's been going on lately. I want to see Frozen again. We're going to see Frozen again.

Farewell sweet angelfriends.


I found a photo taken during the construction of the Sharkodile. I call it "How did you use your gap year, Maddi?" New York, circa 2011.
The opposite ends of both creatures were subsequently used to create a decidedly less functional Crocark.
Both finished products were much more polished than is shown at this stage, I can assure you.
Are you proud of me now, mother? Are you proud. Of me now.

Lol she alwaiz proud of me.