A Big Ol' Ramble

Aesthetic still on point tho not to worry xo

Feeling a bit deflated, lads, not gonna lie. Sitting in Starbucks with Fiona, pumping my body full of refined sugar and caffeine which would normally have me pingin off the walls but I just feel very flat. And drained. And a bit like I need to pop to the bathroom for a cry. Moving is hard. Leaving was hard and looking for a house was hard and being in a new environment is hard, but more than anything I just think the colossal amount of change happening over and over again every single day is maybe a bit much to process. So I kind of stopped processing it. The way I just described how I feel to Fiona is that there's a big slab of memory foam pressing down on me and wrapping up my immediate being, and then another layer under that just over my head, and I'm also behind one of those hella thick sheets of glass like they put between you and the angriest monkeys at the zoo just kind of sat here watching everything spin around me really fast but I don't have the energy to move the memory foam to even try and get to the window. That sounds very dramatic and very depressing and honestly I'm not even sad I just feel...immobile. I don't know.

Putting it out there now that this whole thing is probably going to sound incredibly emo but suspend your better judgment and trust me when I say I'm just venting and I'm actually doing pretty well. I promise. Was going to say "I've remembered to feed myself today and everything" but then I realised that isn't actually true but you know what I've caught that now and I'll do it when I get home. So. Have a little faith that I am not actually standing on the precipice of Doom Valley despite whatever comes after this. I know that is a big ask but realistically if anyone can embody this level ridiculous contradiction it's gonna be me isn't it. #NoEmo. Proceed.

The thing is, it's not that I'm regretting moving or even questioning it. It's pretty much the polar opposite because I'm so sure this is exactly what I'm meant to be doing that I think I'm a bit intimidated by the scale of what I could actually do if I tried. Also by the fact that we had to pay six months rent up front and so I am now living off mini carrots and couscous but that's a secondary matter because as I said I forget to feed myself half the time anyway so don't even worry about it unless ur my mum reading this in which case this is all a joke I am 100% remembering to feed myself all of the time so responsible and fine.

I think I just need purpose. I don't work well just floating around and I don't work well when I feel like I've been unproductive. Realistically, we've been in the country for less than three weeks and already managed to find and move into a house so I haven't exactly been sitting around letting life smoothly glide past me on one of those dickhead hoverboards all the #PrankArtists have (just hatin' cos I'm jealous my own incredible #prunks (it's a mix of prank and a punk, we are big on them in our house) don't get enough recognition don't worry about it), but I haven't been writing and I haven't been making videos or even scheming so it FEELS like I haven't been doing anything. Yeah. Haven't been scheming. Now we see how serious it is. I've had my scheming materials out and I've had the INTENTION of scheming, but the memory foam around my brain won't let anything actually happen. It's kind of similar to how I couldn't really organise my thoughts when my anxiety was bad, but without the actual anxiety part to explain it. I dunno. That's my general state of being at the moment. Just I dunno. Not sad, not scared, bit stressed but mainly just like eh. It's like an apathy that I'm actively really displeased by. Is that possible? I dunno. SEE. SEE. I want to go to the Natural History Museum really bad. Not sure how that thought is relevant but it managed to get through the memory foam so I'm gonna give it some airtime.

I really WANT to write. I want to be productive and I want to figure out what my actual plan is now that I'm here, but it's just not quite working yet. However, in a weird way the fact that I'm feeling so stuck right now is a very good sign because any time in my life that I've felt like this has led to me eventually snapping and frickin rocketing forward into a whole new level of productivity so I just need to wait it out, then snap, then conquer the world. In a weird way despite the fact that right now I'm pissed off that my brain won't work, I'm also very, very certain that behind the scenes all the pieces are falling into place and that's where the energy is going. And in the meantime we have a house, and I have my mini carrots and a bed and a housemate to yell my feelings at should the need arise. I really do like our house. I really do like Reading. And I really do like mini carrots.

That being said, one of the biggest contributing factors to me feeling as settled as I do is definitely my friends. I LOVE my friends from home, but I honestly don't think I've ever had as strong a sense of genuine appreciation for the people around me as I have since I got here. From Nay and Ali letting me leave my things at theirs, to Ant driving all the way to London to pick up our bags so he can bring them to our new house and Sammy letting me literally live in his flat over one of his busiest weeks, I'm just so frickin glad I somehow managed to find myself such a good bunch of people over the last few years. Even just hanging out with people like Lucy and Dodie, having Oliver and Dan as the first guests at our new place and the most amazing coincidence of one of my best friends from home moving here a week after I did, knowing I have people here to talk to and do stupid things with is one of the most grounding, comforting feelings. As a rule I'm not generally very vocal with my feelings, bit of an emotion hoarder, but sometimes you've just gotta get over yourself and let people know they're appreciated. And there are few things I appreciate more than sitting in a wine bar on the South Bank with my three little lads sipping their cosmopolitans on a Monday night.

So for now I'm basically waiting. Waiting for myself to snap and waiting for my brain to finish its process of putting things where they need to be and ALSO waiting for the emergence of Maddi 4.0 who is going to be so badass yall I see glimpses of her sometimes and the smirk emoji doesn't even begin to cover it. Not even paired with the monkey and the lightning bolt. She still brewin' tho.

Luckily two key facets of my personality that have been evident since I was a sassy little toddler threatening to "wun away and find another famiwy to wiv wif" (couldn't get down the stairs cos my legs were too short but it's whatever) are that I'm 1. extremely stubborn and 2. very good at dealing with things by myself, so given a bit of time I will be more than fine. But I'm also very tired. Very very tired. Things haven't really stopped since I finished work in November, and I think now that I actually have time to sit and absorb it all it's just built up to be a bit much to process at once. Knowing me you can probably expect my next post to be a step-by-step of how I manage to snap myself out of whatever this weird little phase is, but for now I think I just need to lie on my bed and listen to Aaron Carter and maybe have some more friends over to pat me gently on the head and tell me I'm special. Also maybe bring scissors because we don't have any in our house and it's becoming an issue. Basically, I'm a super contradictory mix of overwhelmingly happy and a crumbling mess, but I don't really know what else we could expect given who I am fundamentally as a person, and overall I'm still weirdly content. Plus the fact I've managed to put together an entire blog post has restored a bit of my sense of self which I've now realised must have gotten a bit blurry at some point between saying goodbye to my dog and ordering this cappuccino. But we're good now. We're gonna be great. Just gotta stop being a giant baby, get a job and maybe set myself some alarms so I don't forget to eat anymore. Word to your mothers. Make good choices. Treasure your internet connections and your dogs. x0x0