So Much To Tell You

Hej Bloglings! Two posts in one year. What a time to be alive.

I told you I would return, and I absolutely have, so snaps for this little trooper. However, I did also promise "raw, poetic emotion and Chaucer-esque recounts", which was honestly a move so blindly optimistic it borders on sadism as I presently come to you - as always - sleep deprived and waiting for Will to finish playing a midnight round of PUBG. This is absolutely the hour when my brain is at its most willing to cooperate and concentrate on a single task, but unfortunately the way with words went out the window about five hours and half a Jeffrey Dahmer documentary ago. That being said, for the foreseeable future I have decided to implement a creative policy I would best summarise as 'JUST GET IT DONE, MADELEINE, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN GOT A JOB, YOU HAVE PLENTY OF FREE TIME, NOTHING IS EVER PERFECT AND THE NEXT EPISODE OF DON'T TELL THE BRIDE WILL STILL BE THERE WHEN YOU'RE DONE JUST DO IT.'
So here we are.

At the time of writing this I've been back on home soil (if there is such a thing for a fair maiden of triple citizenship amirite can I hear ya say wey-ho) for just over two months. If I'm being completely honest, the process of readjusting to southern hemispherical living has been a turbulent little b word (ur welcome mum for the non-swear), and although I was 100% expecting that to be the case, that didn't particularly soften the blow. I think it's easy to make sweeping, deflecting statements when you're going through an uncertain time, and it would be v simple for me to just chuck a couple of cute pics up here and write about how happy I am to have drinkable tap water and breathable air and perceivable sunlight again, but that would set an unrealistic foundation for everything I post after this, and I'm not really about making my life any harder than it needs to be, so let us indulge in some authentic sentiments. Authentiments.

First and foremost, I am very happy I moved back. There's not been a single point, even on the days I've been an absolute nightmare, at which I've regretted or even questioned my decision. Thank god. It was sad saying goodbye and I miss being close to Europe, but the moment I touched down I felt my entire being relax, and although London Me had come to thrive on a constant high of stress-induced adrenaline I am feeling much more like myself again without it. If this whole Will thing hadn't happened I would probably have stayed for another couple of years, and there were aspects of my London life that I will definitely miss, but I was certainly growing rawther weary of having to compromise on my preferred standard of living by the end there, lemme tell u that. Being around my Melbourne friends (and the vibe of the life I've always had here in general) has made me remember a plethora of truths, such as: life is actually meant to be quite easy and fun, disposable income is not a myth and 25 year olds should not have to live with multiple strangers. I just had a flashback to a house we almost moved into in Stratford and oh god. Oh. god. Am I glad that the housing standards that pass as acceptable in London would literally get you arrested here.

Almost every point of difference really does come back to quality of life, and I can not explain how happy I am to be back in the land of good food, nice apartments and actually having money in my savings account. Also Will. I'm not going to get into Will in this post because it's already long enough, but suffice to say he's the best thing that's ever happened and I'm obsessed with him and I can't believe there was ever a time when we weren't together every single day and I hope there never is again.

The only real negative of being back has been the process of adjusting. I went from having a life I'd created myself in a city I chose, to living at my mum's house with no job and very little sense of control. No job = no income = no point leaving the house, in my shellshocked little brain, so it's been a lot of sitting around and trying to get my head straight enough to be productive. I had a really rocky few weeks of what I think was probably a bit of situational depression, when I was very easily upset and was incredibly anxious about going ANYWHERE so I just slept and watched netflix and slept more, but now that I'm past that it's become a lot easier to start making plans and progress. Even the whole "living at mum's with no job" thing is a lot worse on paper (and in my own GO-GO-GO brain) than reality, because 1. Will has moved in too, and 2. I really did need a break after London, so having time off work and staying somewhere I have zero financial obligations is p fab. I've started properly looking into freelance work now as well, and will give you an update on that once I have a bit more of an idea what I'm doing. Adjacently, if you'd like to pay me to do anything, feel free.

Alongside readjusting, there have been some other mini adventures. I've been to Sydney to visit Sussy (who is pregnant and I am beyond amped, more on that when my tiny godchild makes their grand debut later this year), had some picturesque brunches with friends and been on a little road trip to Daylesford for some lunch with Will. I managed to get him into a witch shop while we were there, and even convinced him to buy me crystals, which was the twist I never saw coming from the one person I have met with zero interest in my moon cult. I introduced Will to Hamilton (btw I saw it in December in London and it was the best thing I've ever seen but surely more on that in another post) by playing the entire cast album in order on the way there and back, which was a great time all round. We've also celebrated my birthday, Will's birthday, Valentine's Day and our 6 months (we move very fast, yes), officially moved Will out of his old house and in here with me, and taken our first trip to Ikea. Iconic. The modern day consummation. 

One thing I didn't expect is that I've found this adjustment period so difficult to share, not so much explicitly but in any capacity at all. I used to share essentially my entire life online, whether in depth through blog posts and videos, or in snippets on twitter, and recently I haven't been doing much of that at all. Oversharing did come much more naturally to me when I was younger, but even then there was still an element of one of my strongest personality traits at play - namely my instinct to 'keep it quiet til you're ready for the grand reveal.' This tendency is perhaps most clearly evidenced by my proclivity for flying across the world without telling anybody and then popping up with a new boyfriend, or in Italy, or at SitC. Sometimes I would scatter 21st century breadcrumbs by tweeting photos of various stages of air travel with the caption "#Whoops", but even that was still at the last minute. More often than not, when I'm working on something I keep it very much to myself, and I guess working on things is pretty much all I'm doing at the moment.

Another element of my reduced publicity is that I started my youtube channel when I was 18, and this blog when I had just turned 20. I've changed and matured and settled down a lot since then, as one would hope, and I also now have Will to shout my inner monologue at so I don't feel the need to post it online. However, I have always been an attention seeker and a performer and the booming, volcanic centre of my own universe, so regardless of my age or situation, I believe that sharing is a big part of me when I'm happy. My mother told me several times when I was making videos regularly that I should start making them about something other than myself because it was narcissistic and people surely don't care, which got into my head and became a large contributing factor to the fact I stopping making anything at all, but in retrospect I disagree with that sentiment entirely. I love nothing more than personal content, and will watch hours of breakup videos and pregnancy announcements to access that sweet, sweet raw, human emotion. As much as I love polished content, I also miss the more personal side of blogging, so guess what muchachos Welcome back to my life.