The Liquid Hierarchy

Hello and welcome to Lessons From My First Month Of Legitimate Employment, Episode 2:
My Morning Routine Is Just A Parade Of Various Fluids.

I wake up and get ready, but I remember none of it. I get myself out of the house and onto the tube. I listen to my Pandolly Podcast whilst avoiding eye contact and stalking soon-to-be-vacated seats with the instinctual precision and ferocity of a weary jaguar, and I function on autopilot for as long as possible. Realistically, the first concrete instance of mental presence in my day arrives in the form of my carefully constructed Liquid Hierarchy. That's right, bitches. You heard. The Liquid Hierarchy is an integral part of any vaguely composed individual's morning - office-bound or not - and you'd do well to recognise that.

My personal routine currently consists of three distinct and essential components. Let's explore together.

1. A green smoothie or cold-pressed juice. 
Normally I will acquire a fresh blob of fruit'n'vegetable matter from a stall near my work, but today - as I am currently in the throes of early-onset man flu - I have opted for the classic Pret combo of carrot juice and a ginger shot. Sounds gross, looks gross, the latter is burning my oesophagus in a way unmatched by any spirit or liqueur I have yet to encounter, but it fulfils my smugness quota for the morning and makes me feel as though the little wellness cogs inside my body that stop me from developing scurvy are whirring to life, so I'm satisfied.

2. Water. 
This one does pop its head in earlier in the day because - as I will preach until my lungs are empty - hydration is the essence of all life, my lord and saviour and the one truth to which I will cling unwaveringly. I like to have a solid litre in by 11am, which is an achievable goal because I'm in the office from 9am and drinking is a form of procrastination. Also I always end up power walking to the tube because I have taken too long getting ready so by the time I get to the station, due to my phenomenal lack of fitness, I am ready for a big ol' dose of H2O. If I've had my water and my green juice, I feel like I've created a solid internal platform for myself - god-like, if you will - so I let that settle for as long as I can manage (usually about ten minutes but ideally we'd be talking 30+) and then move on to Stage 3.

3. Obscene amounts of caffeine. 
I can't sugarcoat this, I have a problem. Which is that one thing I do very much sugarcoat is my coffee. It is NOT A HEALTHY SITUATION, MY GUY. It truly, truly is not. Also the caffeine levels alone are probably not the best but do you know what? I could be immortal for all we know so let's just ignore that until it becomes a colossal mess of unavoidably confronting health-related issues, yeah? Not really. Don't smite me, Lords of Jinxing. Sometimes I try to be a Big Girl and start with green tea but on those days I inevitably end up feeling like I have died so it does not work so fab.

As I type this I am on Step 2. I am in the midst of a pre-caffeine haze, yes, but I find that exhausted desperation motivates me to get through the first two components as quickly as possible so it all works out in the end. Synergy. I have NOW had two nespresso pods seasoned with enough sugar to make Jamie Oliver convulse, so I am absolutely pinging. The thing with caffeine is you need to hit the safe zone, which is an elusive little place. Too little and you're immobile, too much and you're ready to run up and down Oxford Street for absolutely no reason beyond the fact that your heart rate apparently already thinks that's what you're doing. Sometimes the latter danger zone can be a thrill, I won't lie, but it also is probably not the most responsible in a cardiovascular sense. I am going to get a very stern facebook message from my mother over this. I am sorry, mother. Brb making more coffee.

Haha nahhh just playin'. I'm going to finish writing this post and THEN go make more coffee. Do YOU have a liquid hierarchy? Do you have a food-centric equivalent? Have I just realised I have presented a Hydration Routine in the way that normal people discuss skincare? All important questions. Let me know your answers, because god knows the spirit of procrastination is strong enough in my heart to add at least a Stage 4, if not 5. 6, 7, 8 all different types of juices.
I probably shouldn't make more coffee, hey. I'm gonna though.

OKAY. That's all. We're done. You're welcome.


PS. I forgot to put this in but sometimes I'll have a peppermint tea after the coffee to wind down if I feel like I have overshot the caffeine mark. I'm not sure how sound that is as a tactic scientifically but it makes me feel better about things, so let me have this one.