You Want Authenticity

Be careful what you wish for.

What’s Gucci, friends. It’s just after 5am and I have decided now would be a stupendous time for a chat. Is my heart 100% in this right now? No. But my heart is very busy at present, very, very busy trying to extract itself from a tricky situation so my brain is all I have. And my brain is running on absolutely no sleep and an industrial sized bounty of instant coffee that I really did not think through so honestly if I were functioning logically I would cut my losses, but that’s not what we’re about here. It certainly is not. What we are about is upholding my reputation for making ridiculous decisions, and telling you about things that are important to me, so that is exactly what I will do. Hopefully my heart will return to us soon and I will beast my way back into the blogging world on a less concerning level, but if I’ve learned anything from decades of terrible, terrible movies it’s that I don’t get to decide when that happens. So yolo, lads. Yolo and onward.

One thing that I am very frickin into at present is….oh god I can’t even think of a first thing. I feel like my heart is about to beat out of my chest. LOL adulthood. What a time. MUSIC. I am very into music at the moment, in a big way. Story of my (and everybody else’s) entire life, but to hone in on a tangible facet of the ambiguous goliath that is ‘music’, I have been writing more lately than I think I ever have. Not just starting songs, but actually finishing them, which is very rare for me. I like to sprint into things and then get stuck and give up half way through, but not right now. Right now I’m apparently in exactly the right headspace to articulate every thought and feeling that I have, and I am running with it.

I love writing music. It’s the only way I can deal with emotions once I reach a certain point of frustration or helplessness, and there’s something about it as an outlet that gives me the sense that I’m doing something constructive to remedy the situation, even if realistically I’m just sitting on my bed trying to think of things that rhyme with “lightning”. As you MAY HAVE MANAGED TO INFER from the opening portion of this post, I am – as per essentially always – currently dragging myself somewhat voluntarily through some A-grade emotional turmoil, and I’m not about to bloody talk about it with the parties involved, so we’ll put it in a song. Or four. Ace. I’m very protective of my lyrics because they are genuinely as close as you will ever get to the truth of my very delicate, precious being, but I showed Fiona some of what I’ve been working on and she was well into it so there may be a project on the horizon. Who can say.

I don’t really know what I would do if I couldn’t write music. As it is, I manage to produce an absolute bloody waterfall of surplus emotion 24/7, so I feel like if that raging torrent of feelings were to be cut off and trapped I would maybe just cry a lot more? Instead of metaphorical rivers of emotion flowing free in melodious glory there would just be literal water coming out of my face. Super happy? Cry. Scared? Big old cry. Think about a boy for more than a second? Frustrated cry ft. probably some kind of interspersed convo w/ the universe. I do all those things anyway, but I think music as an outlet is probably responsible for buying me enough time in between to do stuff like eat and watch Kardashians.

Are you understanding now what I meant about the caffeine overload? Because it’s 5.29 am, I think my heart probably sounds like a helicopter and I have typed out this entire thing as a stream of consciousness without stopping once ha ha my brain is a terrifying place. I just watched the new episode of Victoria and that show makes me feel quite conflicted because I’ve watched documentaries about Queen Victoria and they make her seem like a bit of a horrible bitch, but in this show I like her and I’m super emotionally invested in her love life and happiness. Although I’m super emotionally invested in most people’s love life and happiness at the moment, as per the human condition of pathos and projection. Man do I need some kind of sedative situation asap.

That was re: my dire need for sleep, but it also applies on an emotional front.

Mkay, I’m going to confiscate this platform from myself and try to meditate the coffee out of my blood, but feel free to holler with any ways you constructively channel your extra emotions because god knows I’ve got enough to spare for some trial and error. My heart now feels like a space hopper filled with helium and when I think about the thing that’s making me sad it’s like a giant hand is squeezing the space hopper and I think I need to limit myself to green tea for a while after this. If you are my mother I promise I will make better choices soon, but I ate so much fruit & veg today that surely cancels at least part of this out.

Ok. Goodbye. Hope you’re asleep. That must be nice.