Something In The Air


Spoiler alert, it's change.

For a person who doesn't like change I sure do create a lot of it for myself. Recently I've been thinking about my own mindset and the patterns I have and the way I want to move forward with my entire life (I have a lot of mental free time whilst folding silently and hiding from customers), and the conclusion at which I have eventually arrived can perhaps most adequately be summed up by the timeless lyrics, "life's what you make it, so let's make it rock." Thank you, Hannah Montana. You're always there when I need you. But really, in a month and a half Fiona and I will be moving out of our house in Reading, and our current plan is to find a new place in London. Which is terrifying. Obviously living in London has been the point of this entire operation, but jesus christ have the last five months been a crash course in adulthood and opened my eyes to an entire world of responsibility and stress that had previously remained unencountered in my blessed, blessed life. I used to have a juicer. I used to have a gym in my building. I used to have a mother nearby who would take me to the supermarket when I spent all my money on christmas decorations and stationery. Now I have council tax and a permanent sense that there is something very important I have forgotten to do. And boy oh boy is finding an apartment in London amplifying that sense bloody tenfold.

But I'm excited. As a person who completed every single assignment of my university degree within literal minutes of the submission deadline, I am very aware of the fact that I work best under pressure, and I know that a sense of urgency is exactly what I need at this point in my life. A huge part of why I was so set on moving in the first place was that I knew Melbourne was a comfort zone for me, and while I could have done well and had a solid life there I never would have pushed myself to achieve things on the level that I want to. Similarly, I've settled in here and I've got a routine that I'm comfortable with, but it's not anywhere near the routine or the life that I want or expect for myself, so I need to keep moving. I can not emphasise enough how much easier that is said than done, because as I said at the start of this post I am basically hardwired to resist any kind of change (seriously I need to know the plan at all times and if we are going to deviate then I must be forewarned), but I'm also hardwired to see myself and my future in a way that requires me to get over myself and work with change rather than against it. Veering back to the Hannah Montana lyrics, I kind of imagine stress and change and any level of action as energy that can then be moulded into whatever you choose, but in order to make anything decent you have to create a LOT of that energy first. Like generating a whole lot of overall life momentum over time and then steering it in the direction you want. I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone outside of my brain, but what I'm essentially trying to communicate here is that I see change and risk and stressful situations as a kind of currency that ultimately goes toward funding much bigger, better things. Do you get what I'm saying? It's 2.14am. I don't know if I even get what I'm saying. At least these photos are pretty.

Basically the next few months are going to be manic and terrifying and I, once again, have no idea what my life is going to look like on the other side of it all, but my ridiculous levels of stress and fear are pretty evenly matched by motivation and excitement, so I think we're gonna be alright. 
I have a lot of work to do, but we're gonna be alright.

Long story short, all I really know is that I'd better have another juicer by the end of this.
x0

PS. Went to Italy the other day, more on that soon.

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