Lemme tell u a thing about Christmas. The part from which I invariably derive the most joy is not food, or music or the company of loved ones.* It's not even the part of the Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special with Jim's original masterpiece, Praise The Lord He's Coming Down The Birth Canal. No sir. No.
It is the wrapping of the presents. Buying them is satisfying, but sitting down to admire the majesty and perfection I have cultivated in the name of those near and dear to my heart whilst surrounded by a plethora of festive papers, ribbons and various glitters? That's on a whole new level.
Firstly, I am an amazing gift giver. Thoughtful as all heck, with an adequate sprinkle of sass. This year I am particularly pleased with what I have bought my mother, because I've gone down the "you wouldn't buy this for yoself so imma do it because u deserve it I am sorry I was a bitch to you for the majority of my teens" route, as well as what I've got Fiona because of reasons you will come to know in due course.
I have been known to exude a somewhat self-absorbed dickhead yolo vibe - which is accurate on a level - but one of my darkest secrets is that I am actually quite a loving and caring individual**, and this comes across most clearly in my giving of gifts. The dbag vibes are still present, (see: Boo The More Terrifying Than Cute Dog lunchbox I got dad last year) but the two tend to balance each other out and result in just straight up and down big city ballin' presents.
This is where the wrapping comes in. I feel it represents the perfect junction of Affection and Ego. I want the presents to look nice so that when I give them to people they're like "oh wow you put a lot of effort into this you must care about me I feel ever so special #blessed", but I also enjoy being like oh yeah check out how well I wound that twine, bitchez #casual #diy #ribbons #lifeinspiration. Plus I like activities. However, I know not everyone shares my particular brand of enthusiasm, so I've decided to put together a little list of helpful hints to get your game going.
My Present Wrapping Handy Hints
- Buy wrapping paper that comes in packs of 3 or more so you'll get a variety of different yet coordinated patterns
- Get in the damn spirit before you start. Be in the right mood, gather all your supplies and put on some Christmas music.
- Ribbon. I can not emphasise enough the importance of ribbon. This for me is the real kicker that'll take your handiwork from playschool to pinterest.*** Stock up on different colours and widths and always overestimate how much you'll need. You don't realise how much you're actually going to use on each individual present.
- Try and make them all slightly different. Mix and match, buddy. I used the same 3 papers, 4 ribbons and string on mine and none of them were the same.
- Tags. You don't have to buy them (I just cut mine out of thick green paper) but they are an ever so essential ingredient if you want your masterpieces to look polished. Also you don't want to accidentally give someone the wrong gift because that would ruin Christmas and I don't think you can handle that kind of guilt.
- If you need to motivate yourself just think of the insty photos you can post of them when you're done.
- This is a wonderful way to feel like your life is together even if you are, in reality, a colossal mess.
- Make sure you take off the fricken price stickers before you wrap them.
And that is it. I got my paper, black ribbin and string at Typo, and the rest of the ribbons from David Jones. Speaking of which, if y'all want to sponsor me next year feel absolutely free. If anyone wants to sponsor me feel absolutely free. Cheetos, preferably. Maybe Qantas. Home Beautiful Magazine? I will even take 2 Minute Noodles. A girl can never have too many noodles. Merry Christmas.
*Depends who it is tbh, in my brain I have just now involuntarily devised a shortlist of acceptable and in some cases mildly depressing options that could come out on top were they to wander through my mery door this year but yolo back to the point. Oh shit I just realised I've cut my thumb prrretty dang bad, lads. Doesn't hurt yet though, just thought it felt a bit more flappy than usual and looked down and was like oh well would you look at that. What a doozy. I'm not even at home right now so I can't get a bandaid. Heavens to Betsy what an event.
**Don't tell anyone, it's a really good secret.
***Tbph I have been on pinterest maybe twice in my life but the impression I am given is that it is somewhat of a haven for crafty DIYs for the middle-class and time-rich.
Today's #Madvent Movie: Olive, The Other Reindeer
